This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
