I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
