My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
