We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You pole danced in your parka.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize