When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'm both gender and math confused
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize