I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
