My nipple is on Facebook.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
