I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
My hand turned me down
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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