i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize