You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
