Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
