holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
