i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i would punch a child for taco bell
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize