who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
