my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
