The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I want a musical about memes.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
