If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Sorry about my life...
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
