Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize