Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
