I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
