my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
