Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
