overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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