I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
