I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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