Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
