hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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