I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
