DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
