What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
