I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
