i already hear my dad disowning me
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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