i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
