Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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