I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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