so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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