I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
