i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
