I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
