I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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