All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
