i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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