sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
