no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
