I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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