I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize