I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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