I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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