He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
MIDGETS
????
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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