either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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