i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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