I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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