she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
