Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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