Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize