Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
