Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
