chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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