accomplished twins. life is a go
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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