life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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