I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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