his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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