I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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