we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
