My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
