made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Barsexuality is the new black.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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