Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
