some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
