so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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