she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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